


hurt

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: CSA, Childhood Trauma, Comfort, Crying, Hugging, Mentioned Abuse, Mentioned Pedophilia, Messy Writing, Other, Sexual Assault, Trauma, mentioned incest, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23441311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: gage caves in a tells matz about his childhood.OC SHIT... im so fucking sorry gage that i did this to you i am so fuckcing sorry...please know that i didnt really care for any formal writing a lot. its awkward and messy because its better to just keep writing than sit for 2 hours and not come up with a way to transition into the next scene. i also wanted to write this for memorys sake because i always get my ocs stories confused then im confused.





	hurt

"Can I come over to your place tonight?"

"No," That's his automatic answer, but it seems to never work. No matter how many times he denies, Matz always seems to come over anyway. This didn't really bother Gage, but it irritated him when Matz wouldn't listen to him.

Gage locked the doors, pulling on the door to make sure it stayed locked. He shoved the keys in his coat pocket, heading home. The air was becoming more cold and frigid, Gage shivered. He kept a steady stride, while Matz did the same next to him. Why does he ask if he's going to come over anyway?

"Why do you always ignore me?"  
"I don't ignore you."  
"Yes, you do. Whenever I decline your invitation to come over, you ignore me and do it anyway."  
"You don't kick me out when I do come over, though. You make dinner for both of us and let me sleep there if I don't leave," Matz gives a smirk, he knows Gage is too nice to just kick him out, despite having his own apartment. It's true, though. Gage would never kick Matz out, unless he actually did something to provoke him. That hasn't happened yet. Hopefully it never will.

They kept walking, the frost making Gage's nose stuffy. He can't wait to get home and settle down. He's thinking about what he'll do. He's going to walk in, take his coat and shoes off, take a bath, make dinner, then go to bed. It seems bland, but it's a perfect night for Gage. That is, if Matz wasn't coming over.

"You have your own apartment, you have pets you need to tend to as well. Why don't you go do that?"  
"They're fine. Plus my bugs can last one night without being fed. They're fine," Matz houses a variety of bugs, ranging from caterpillars to giant centipedes. He's actually thinking about getting a goliath birdeater as a new addition.

"Well, I don't think it's a good idea for you to come over," Gage's ears twitched, starting to feel the cold of the air. He was almost at his apartment complex. He started to walk faster.

"Are you running away from me?"  
"What? No, you idiot. We're almost at my apartment and I want to get in immediately. It's freezing out here, aren't you cold too?"  
"Not really."  
"You're weird. It's like below zero, I don't know how you're not cold," Gage is finally at the complex. He ushers up the stairs. Matz tries to follow but he struggles with going up as fast as Gage is. Gage just knows how to get up fast since he's lived here for a while.

"Fuck, slow down! I don't climb stairs to my apartment," Matz is out of breath, doubled over with his hands on his knees. His chest heaves in and out while Gage takes his keys out and unlocks the door to his apartment.

"Are you really out of shape? You're a centipede you should be able to run fast to catch your prey," Gage made a valid point. If Matz ever needs to catch something he'll get into a weird state of mind and not act like himself at all. He'll be quiet and his eyes will be sharp and focused on what he's doing. Gage has never seen him like this, but it is scary at what Matz is capable of.

They both step in. Gage takes his coat and shoes off, while Matz just takes his jacket off. He's about to step into the living room until Gage stops him by putting his arm in front of Matz. He glances his eyes toward Matz's feet then back up at him.

"What?"  
"Your shoes, dummy. Take off your shoes."  
"What's the deal? I've come over many times, can't I just wear them?"  
"Take them off or leave," Gage was serious about people wearing their shoes inside his place. He made an exception for Nellie, since she was just eleven, but grown men like Matz? He needs to have some manners.

Matz groans, obliging Gage's rules. He slips his shoes off and looks back at Gage. Gage has a small smile on his face, Matz gives him a quick fake smile then walks into the living room. Gage joins him. Gage heads to his room to go get some clothes to change into after his bath. He walks back to the living room to find Matz spread out on his couch. He never has any manners or decency.

“I’m going to take a bath. Are you okay out here?”  
“Why wouldn’t I be? I’m literally just watching T.V.”  
“Yeah, but I mean you aren’t going to get bored and then try to do something and then accidentally break something? Can I trust you not to break anything?”  
“Yeah Yeah, promise.”  
“Oh, speaking of, you still owe me 3,500 yen for the pots you broke,” Matz’s face scrunches up and he flings his head back onto the couch, letting out a loud groan. Gage just leaves and goes to the washroom.

It’s not long till Matz does become bored. There’s nothing to do on his phone and the T.V. isn’t as entertaining as he thought it was. He knows Gage doesn’t take long baths, and he could most likely wait it out, but he likes to do things and cause trouble. Ugh, he doesn’t want to add more money to his debt though. Matz gets up, stretching.

Matz walks to the bathroom, staring at the door blocking him from going in. He opens the door. He’s met with Gage’s back, towel around his waist. Gage turns around, eyes wide and eyebrows furrowed, or at least what was left of his eyebrows. Gage threw a soap bottle at Matz, making him leave the bathroom.

“What the hell is your problem? Do you know what knocking is?”  
“You seemed done, so…”  
“Still no excuse just to barge into the bathroom while someone is using it! Were you always this disrespectful? Have some decency!”

Gage puts his clothes on and stomps towards the door, opening it to see Matz.

“Eh, are you mad?”  
“No.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“I’m irritated with you. You act like a five year old, Matz,” Gage pushes past him, heading towards the kitchen, “Do you want anything specific? I’m just going to make something simple for me and I could make it for you too.” He opens the fridge and puts some things onto the counter. 

“I’ll have what you’re having,” Matz heads over to the counter and leans on it with his elbows, head in his hands, “What’re you making?”

“Soba and takikomi,” Gage gets out a cutting board, two pots, a pan, and some other ingredients. He gets a knife and scallions. He positions them and starts cutting them. Matz comes over and leans down, head resting on Gage’s shoulder and arms around his waist.

“What are you doing? I’m cooking,” Gage says quietly, focused on not accidentally cutting himself. Matz puts his hands above Gage’s naval, slipping up his shirt and grazing his skin. Gage shivers, his touch is gentle but it feels odd. He doesn’t like it.

“Matz, stop. I don’t want to be distracted.”  
“Just pretend I’m not here.”  
“That’s a little hard when you are touching me. Just go sit down,” Gage squirms a little, trying to shove him off. Gage isn’t weak, he could easily shove Matz off, but he just wants Matz to back off a little. He elbows him softly.

“Stop it. Please let me go, Matz,” He starts to worry. He doesn’t like this and he is trying to focus on cooking. Matz rubs his head against Gage’s. He squeezes Gage close to him and takes a breath in. Gage is starting to wiggle more prominently.

“Why are you resisting?”  
“Because I don’t want to do this. Can you just sit down?” Matz trails his hands back down to Gage’s hips, trying to slip them into his pants. He opens his mouth to bite Gage’s shoulder. Gage starts sweating. His instincts kick in.

“I said stop it!” Gage pushes him off forcefully, turning around and aiming the knife under Matz’s chin. Matz is wide eyed, hands raised next to him and leaning back against the counter. He swallows audibly, shaking a little. Gage sighs and brings the knife down, bringing his free hand up to his eyes, rubbing them.

“I… I’m sorry.”  
“No, don’t be. Just please go sit down and let me finish.”  
“I wasn’t meaning to be-”  
“I know, I know. Just sit down. I’ll be done soon.”

Matz slips out, heading towards the living room and leaving Gage to his own devices. He sits down on the couch. He feels bad. Gage never usually freaked out this much, he would accept it. Matz didn’t mean to do anything too far. After he sat down, he heard quiet sobs.

Matz gets up and heads towards the dining room, peeking in to see how Gage is doing. Gage has his head down on the counter and is sobbing into his arms. Matz panics, did he do this? Did he make Gage cry? He must’ve, this wouldn’t have happened if he just stopped.

Matz heads over to Gage, leaning down to try and see his face. He puts his hand on Gage’s back, slowly rubbing it. He doesn’t know what to do, he hasn’t dealt with a crying Gage before.

“Hey, are you alright? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to force you to do anything-” Matz was cut off by Gage hugging him, face buried in his chest and loud sobs pouring out of him. He shook his head, saying something muffled that Matz couldn’t understand. He hugs him back, heading resting on Gage’s.

“What? I can’t quite hear you.”  
“You didn’t do anything. It’s me, it’s all me.”  
“No, no. Don’t say that. I’m really sorry, I should’ve stopped. Do… Do you want to just get something delivered?” Matz rubs Gage’s back, holding him tight. Gage nods into his chest, sobs slowly stopping. He lets go and Matz does the same. Gage wipes his eyes, breath shaky and face red.

“You didn’t do anything. I know what you were doing, I just reacted bad. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Gage just kept apologizing. Matz leaned down and put his hands on Gage’s shoulders.

“No, stop. Don’t say sorry. What do you want to eat? I can order it on my phone.”  
“Uhm, you can just order something from a family mart. I’ll eat whatever,” Gage is looking at Matz, his eyes are red and his face is feverish. Matz nods and leans back, having Gage walk to the living room. He follows and sits down next to him. He orders something for the both of them.

\---

“Thank you! Have a good night,” Matz thanked the delivery person, noticing that they peeked inside to look at Gage. Gage was curled up on the couch, knees to his chest and eyes glued on the T.V. His tail linked around his ankles and ears pointed down. Matz closed the door. He walks back and sets the bag on the table in front of Gage. Gage doesn’t flinch.

“Ok, you can have whichever one you want. I’ll go get chopsticks,” Gage nods in response, no words spoken. Matz’s eyebrows furrow, worried about Gage. He heads into the kitchen and gets two chopsticks. He goes back to Gage and sits next to him. He still hasn’t moved. Matz puts his hand on his shoulder.

“Do you want me to get yours? I also got some extra so if you want anything else go ahead. We could save it for tomorrow,” Gage nods and puts his legs down, crossing them and having a slumped posture. This is totally unlike him, he’s a wreck.

Matz sets the chopsticks down on the table and gets a container from the bag. He shows it to Gage, him just nodding at it. Matz opens the container and gets a pair of chopsticks, handing them to Gage. Gage just stares at it, poking the packaged tamagoyaki and rice. He takes a small bit of rice and eats it.

Matz gets his own package, opening it and getting his chopsticks. He hastily eats it. He didn’t entirely realize how hungry he was. It’s decent packaged food, not the best, but gets the job done. Gage barely touches his food, small bits being taken out and eaten. Matz is really upset, he hates seeing Gage like this. Is he okay?

“Are you not hungry? You can go to bed, y’know,” Matz is almost finished with his meal and Gage still has a barely eaten one in front of him, “We can save it.”

Gage nods and sets the tin down on the table. He gets up and heads towards his room, but before entering, he says something.

“When you’re done, Matz, please join me,” Is all he said before heading off and sliding the door shut. The only thing emitting noise was the T.V. now. Matz feels bad. He can’t help but blame himself, he did this. He continues to eat with the noise from the T.V. filling his head.

Matz finishes eating and throws his container away and puts the rest of the food he bought in the fridge. He silently walks to Gage’s room door. Should he go in? He asked him to join once he was done eating. He doesn’t know. Did he mean to just come in? Did he mean to lay down on the futon with him? He doesn’t entirely know. He decides to knock.

“Hey, I’m gonna come in, alright?” Matz slowly slides the door open. He sees Gage on the futon, rolled over to face the wall. His room was nice. There were plants and his futon looked comfortable. Matz walks over to the futon.

“Do you want me to lay with you?” Gage doesn’t say anything or move that much, but Matz can see him nod. Matz slips under the blanket with him, laying on his back and facing the ceiling. He doesn’t entirely know what to do. He just lays there, mind empty. Then, a thought comes in.

“If I didn’t do anything, what happened? Why did you blame yourself?” Matz just wants to know what he meant. How was it not his fault? Gage didn’t do anything, Matz was the one who pressured Gage. He was the one who wasn’t stopping, he kept touching Gage and not letting go. Of course it’s his fault.

Gage rolls over, joining Matz in his stare off with the ceiling. Gage takes a deep, shaky breath. He hesitates.

“I guess I never did tell you,” his voice was shaky and higher pitched than it normally was. He pauses, obviously scared of what he wants to say.

“I shouldn’t have avoided it, you deserve to know. It’s not your fault for not knowing something you couldn’t possibly ever know about. I also have never freaked out like that before, so that was also my fault. I didn’t mean to scare or worry you, and if I did, I’m really sorry,” It seemed like Gage was just holding out on telling Matz, and he noticed it. It was a hard thing for Gage, apparently, and he doesn’t have to tell him if he didn’t want to.

“You don’t have to tell me.”  
“No, I want to. It’s just… a little difficult,” Gage takes in another deep breath. He starts to shake a little. His chest feels tight and his hands don’t know what to do, so he’s picking at his eyebrows.

“So… when I was little,” He takes another shaky breath, “my father molested me.”

Woah. That wasn’t what Matz was expecting. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but that was far from what he would guess. That hit him like a truck. The realization of what Gage just said knocked the wind out of him. He took a breath of his own, not saying a thing. His chest starts to feel tight too.

“He wasn’t a good guy, I already knew that. When I started attending grade school, I began to notice how evil he was. He would beat my poor mother and call her names. He was a horrible man. So, so horrible,” Gage keeps pausing, but he has the right to. It’s hard to talk about, it’s difficult. This was a distressing thing that he had kept private for a long time. You wouldn’t guess that he was abused as a child, you wouldn’t really know that about anyone. He continues.

“He did the same to me. He knocked me around a lot, but the… touching didn’t start until I was around ten years old,” Ten years old? Seriously? God, what the hell. Matz really couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It hurt to hear, but it probably hurt a lot more for Gage to talk about, so he just sat and listened. It’s the least he could do.

“One day, I had just got home from school and Mom had to run errands. I was left with Dad. I don’t remember what I was doing, but I was upstairs in my room and he came up. He told me to not tell Mom what we were doing. He said whatever I do, don’t tell Mom, or else I’d have hell to pay. He then told me to strip. I refused. He beat me. He told me to strip again. I did it. He told me to do certain things and I felt so dirty. I kept thinking ‘What did I do to deserve this?’. He laid me on my bed, the bed I would have to sleep on for the rest of my time as a child, and raped me,” He paused. Matz had to also take a minute to process everything he was telling him. Matz wonders how long he was keeping this in. Did he ever go tell someone? Did he go to a psychiatrist?

“I remember how badly it hurt. It hurt so much. I kept screaming and yelling for him to stop, but he just covered my mouth and told me to shut it. After what seemed like forever, it was over. He told me again to not tell Mom, and I obeyed. I remember sitting on my bed, naked and shaking after he left. My body hurt and my cheeks were damp with tears. It felt like I was dying,” Gage is crying now too. His arm is over his eyes, subtle hics and whimpers coming from him. Matz didn’t know what to do. Does he stop him?

“Do you wanna stop?”  
“No… I-I trust you enough and I haven’t been able to tell anyone this for years. I guess it is helpful for me to… let this out and get it off of my chest,” Gage takes a breath and continues.

“There have been multiple instances where he recorded me. He recorded me getting raped and sometimes he would have people come over when Mom was gone and gang rape me. I wasn’t even a teenager at that time. Afterwards, I’d see him upload the footage onto his computer. I bet that somewhere on the internet there’s videos of me as a child getting molested. Or someone has those videos on their device. I still think about it and it makes me sick. It makes me want to puke. Who would watch those videos?” He turns his head and stares at Matz. Gage’s expression is so full of pain. His teary eyes are wide and anxiety filled. His brows are furrowed and his lips are downturned. It’s true though. Who sane person would watch those videos? No sane person, only messed up people would, criminals. Gage goes on.

“This went on for a while. I would be abused by Dad or one of his many friends. The funny thing is that sometimes they would bring me gifts, maybe as a ‘Sorry for raping you’ or pity,” Gage lets out a chuckle, “It just got worse. Dad and his friends would do more perverted things to me and have… fun. They enjoyed seeing me in that state. It’s disgusting.They would use toys, they’d try new things on me. They would pour hot wax on me or tie me up and beat me. It was just a game to them. And they knew they could get away with it too. Then Nellie was born,” Gage’s breath hitched. It’s obvious this was an important event, and with everything else going on, it could’ve been bad or hard on him.

“I was fifteen when she was born. She made my life brighten up. She helped me in many ways. When she was born I made it my top priority and duty that she would never, ever get hurt or be exposed to my father’s behavior. I tried my best to keep her out of his reach. But I didn’t have to worry that much about him, because around the time Nellie was born, I had also confessed to Mom about what had been going on. Something that’s been happening for five years. Five years of abuse and rape. It felt like it was longer. My mom freaked out, as any mother would. She started to never let me leave her supervision. She always had me be around her and Nellie. During this, she was packing to move. She packed everything and tried to leave. It wasn’t super easy, but after a month or two, we had tickets to Japan and were going to leave in a week. My dad was furious, but Mom got away. I just turned 16 when we got to Japan, and we had a small birthday since we didn’t entirely have a good living situation. We left that wretched man and we were safe, that’s all that mattered,” Matz could see a smile on Gage’s face. He still had tears flowing down and he still was breathing hard, but he felt happy when thinking about moving to Japan.

“I got enrolled into highschool but I also had to take extra classes to learn Japanese. A sixteen year old learning kindergarten language, funny. I learned Japanese and since Nellie was still young, she was able to basically grow up like she was born in Japan. My life was normal, I was just another kid. But I had serious problems. I had frequent nightmares, I would pick out my hair, I would repeat certain words or speak weirdly. I was extremely impulsive, often doing things in disregard to myself and sometimes others and I also had extremely violent intrusive thoughts. It was horrible. I stopped eating, I stopped taking care of myself and I would avoid people so as to not hurt them or become attached. I isolated myself and had horrible compulsions, like the hair picking. Soon I had barely any eyelashes, my eyebrows were basically nonexistent and the hair on my head was thinning. I looked horrible. Finally my Mom suggested we see a therapist. The first day, I spilled everything out to the therapist about my dad. I kept it hidden for so long that I basically broke down and told them everything. After a few sessions, I was diagnosed with OCD and PTSD. I wasn’t surprised about the PTSD, but the OCD was a shock. I didn’t entirely realize how bad I was getting, so when I reflected, it made a lot of sense, even before we moved to Japan. I got medicated, and it took a lot of trial and error to find the right medicine and methods of getting better. Eventually, we had to stop going to therapy since it was bleeding my mother dry. I still got a lot of help, so I was extremely grateful for that. I did get better, and I’m still getting better. I graduated highschool, went to college, started working at Color Cutz, and now here we are, laying on the futon and me rambling about my past,” Gage had told Matz his life story. It was laid out before him, and Gage was so out in the open. He was so vulnerable. Matz was grateful that Gage trusted him enough to know this information. He felt a mix of emotions. He didn’t know what he was feeling, but he was so grateful.

Matz sat up, leaned over to Gage, and hugged him. He buried his face into the crook of Gage’s neck and started to cry. Gage began to cry too. They both embraced each other and cried. They didn’t know why they were crying, but it felt good to get out. They sat there for a minute, hugging and crying, then Matz got up and Gage sat up. They sat in silence, no words needing to be said.

“Can you stay tonight?”  
“Yeah, I can.”

They both laid back down and fell asleep, tired and legs intertwined.


End file.
